To begin, let’s introduce ourselves, and make it clear why we deem this list of actual emails we’ve received as ridiculous. We are a tech company working with crypto startups who are preparing for a crowdsale. We help them with concept development, marketing, creation, auditing, and deployment of smart contracts.

1. Listing Demands.

Not a day goes by without seeing an email with the subject “Listing Request” Creative individuals sometimes request us to list them “ASAP” as their ICO is coming in a week and they obviously hadn’t been accepted by any of the major listing services. The first few times this happened we politely tried to explain that we are not a listing service and have never offered such assistance. This never helped. Now we just respond with a template email offering to list them on the front page for 10 BTC. Our offer is still valid for all the misguided souls looking for additional exposure – though if the requests persist we may eventually compete with TokenMarket. 

2. Hi From India. This is an quote from an actual email we got: “Dear sir or madam. I like your service very much and I want to buy it. But before I buy I want to reassure myself. Please send me a very detailed description of your services and how they work and I will buy – I hope you will consider my request and send me the details at the earliest.” We have not come up with an original response to these spies from India yet. Any ideas?

3. Unacknowledged Geniuses. We are living in amazing times and are lucky to be surrounded by so much talent. Here is a composite inspired by multiple emails: It usually starts with an intriguing, “Hi, my name is XXXX. I have a revolutionary/game changing/ miraculous/life giving idea that will make the world a better place.” Then the author starts describing his precious concept. “The blockchain of the diaper industry”, “The ethereum of UFO research”,  “Animal coin for pet yoga practice”,  “Jesuscoin for the love of God.” And then they finish it off with an offer we cannot refuse. “We are looking for investors, marketing professionals, ethereum developers, social media influencers, UI/UX designers, crypto experts, reputable advisors to help us build/write/launch/advertise/raise money and in return we offer a percentage of the raised funds.” Nice, isn’t it? They have an IDEA and basically need just about everything else to launch. It sounds truly irresistible.

4. ICO. For some reason we receive requests regarding events to be held in Omaha, Nebraska. For a while we couldn’t figure out why, until someone sent us an email with the header  “I.C.O. – Islamic Center of Omaha.” That’s when it clicked! We should probably contact the Center and ask them to send us the leads they receive for ICOs in exchange for displaying their newsfeed on our site.

5. And Competitors. “Hi there guys, We are a company specialized in custom blockchain solutions based in Bulgaria, Europe. We can deliver the complete tech part needed for an ICO (INITIAL COIN OFFERING) If you need reliable development partner, do let us know.” First of all, thank you for explaining what ICO stands for. Second thing, your marketing team does a great job of reaching out to competing organizations. We will be sending you the counter offer soon.

6. Marketing Offers. If we ever decide to launch an ICO we will probably contact Harry. “Hey There! I really like your project & believe it deserves more of a spotlight! My name’s Harry, I run one of the biggest channels on YouTube (over 2M subscribers) Top 5 Best, and I have a cryptocurrency channel. As you know already, nothing is better than word of mouth, when it comes to advertising a brand. I can talk to my supporters about your ICO, and it’ll surely help out, as it has for several other companies I’ve worked with. In regards to payment, I don’t work on fixed pricing. But to give you a reference point, the last company I worked with gave me 5 BTC. If you’re interested, make me an offer and I’ll see if it works.” Disclaimer: We changed the name of the author to Harry to protect him against unsolicited offers of less than 5 BTC. We also checked out his channel and did not find anywhere near that many subscribers.

7. 100% Client Satisfaction.

A question we get a lot is whether we provide guarantees on the amount of funds to be raised through an ICO. Absolutely! We will make sure your project reaches at least the minimum cap of $1 million, otherwise we will reimburse you, provide a refund, contribute the difference, and present you with a free trip to Hawaii. We believe in customer satisfaction above everything else.

8. Nigerian Scam Modernized. Amobi Nzelu, the legal adviser to Mr. Mohammed Abacha, the heir apparent to the estate of the late Head of State of the Federal Republic of Nigeria asked us to step in and help him exchange his money to bitcoins for a generous reward. The email is too lengthy to be posted here – but believe us it is a true gem of belles-lettres and we were almost convinced to help the guy. As you can see we’re always trying to find ways to have a little fun while working on the upcoming ICOs. Feel free to send us your questions, offers, or requests and we will either respond within a couple of hours or publish them in our next selection of the most creative emails. BTW – don’t worry, we do sign NDAs.